(Sorry R.S., couldn’t resist on that last one…)

A hint to all you future parents out there: the sleep deprivation and time crunch you will experience after the birth of your child does not help this situation. I think I may need to place a disclaimer on all of my e-mails telling readers to contact my son if the contents are nonsensical, unreadable, or otherwise completely messed up.

So I still haven’t gotten my slew of Mr. T pictures posted (I have posts nearly ready to go, but things keep getting in the way of me finishing…), and I haven’t written anything of substance here in months either.

Life has just kind of been like that of late. I just wrote the nth email unintentionally containing less-than-complete sentences (where n is greater than 2 and I am too tired to mourn that there’s no way to get those emails back), I lost my wallet on the bus the other day and had to cancel all of my credit and debit cards (though I’d like to shout a big thank you to the kind, anonymous person who dropped it into our mailbox yesterday completely intact), and I went to the doctor today forgetting I had neither debit nor credit cards and was  thus forced to have them bill my copay because I am one sleep-deprived dingbat. On top of that, some days I walk out of the house with my shirt on backwards (which is an improvement over my first three months of motherhood in which I more than once nearly answered the front door without pants), my clothes are usually coated in various Torsten-related substances anyway, and I’ve totally turned into the kind of person who says things like, “Damn you kids, get off my lawn!”^[1]. Well, ok, I say things like, “Guys, it’s 2 am, come on,” in my grumpy old mother voice, shouting out the window to the noisy new neighbors. Same diff. The point is that I’ve been out of it. Yeah, I win.

There are a lot of reasons for the lack of writing and the scattered brain – Torsten is huge and capable and implementing his world takeover scheme already, exhausting both Mama and Papa (And thank you, JoAnna, for warning us ahead of time about tall babies and doorknobs! Taking care of that early has been a lifesaver… we’ve been calling him Houdini since about birth, and he shows no sign of stopping with his evil mechanical escape tricks), I just got back from four days away taking a big-assed German exam in Chicago, the evil husband has been working his butt off and teaching a lot of hours, and there simply aren’t enough hours in the day for two people to get all of the work done (though Torsten, who’s almost 15 months old now, actually helped his Papa sweep the kitchen today, so that’s something .

It’s not all bad news, of course – we’re finally able to handle the above, even if we’re positively loopy some days. Having an older child means it’s becoming easier to start doing some things for grownup Krista as well as being Mama, and that’s a very happy thing indeed. There are some big things in the works, actually, but that’ll have to stay cryptic until I have some more information. In any event, in spite of me having Mommy Brain something awful, things have finally started to come back together on this end.

Of course, that’s no guarantee I’ll actually get pictures up soon, but it does mean I’ll try

Anyway, for those who just can’t live without their dose of Torstenosity, here are a few tidbits:

• T has grasped the concept of binarity and can say (and understand) up and down, off and on, open and shut (which, amusingly, does not sound like “shut”), in and out (where “in” is usually the occupied bathroom, and “out” is where he’s supposed to be), etc. This means lots of flipped lightswitches and slammed cupboard doors, but it’s neat to see that he gets it.
• He has become Mr. Climbing Monkey, and he is totally silent when doing things he probably shouldn’t be. This led to Boudreaux’s Butt Paste being smeared all over our very high dining room table and the things on it, and us not noticing when he did it. He’s good.
• Torsten is still the most awesome kid ever, and has learned how to give big smacking lovey kisses to Mama of his own accord
• He now plays lots of clapping games, and he hasn’t tried to beat Mama for singing “If you’re happy and you know it” yet. Yet. This is a major feat for a baby who loves music.
• He’s not a real fan of eating. Unless it’s something we are eating. As I tell Christian when I steal his chocolate, “stolen tastes twice as good,” and apparently T agrees.
• While I was away, he actually bitched me out on the phone before bursting into tears because I was gone. You haven’t lived until you’ve been told off at length on the phone by a 15-month-old.
• It’s official – he now repeats the worst things Mama says, especially when driving. Mama will have to finally clean up her act. Boo.
• He’s still the biggest flirt ever. Ladies everywhere are no match for the Toothy Grin of Torsten ™
• He’s very tricky when playing games, sometimes legitimately tricking us. We’re in so much trouble when he can talk…
• He has a bunch of teeth, all the better to eat you with!
• He is still the nicest baby in the world. Really. He loves to snuggle and kiss and giggle.
• Mr. T loves books. This makes me incredibly happy.
• He has finally sold Mama on Elmo, because he loves Elmo so very much. This is as far as I am willing to go – there will be no trading up to Barney, the Abominable Purple Dinosaur.
• He can climb up and go down the big kids’ slide at the park by himself. Of course, we’re always standing nearby to catch him, but it’s cool.
• He’s about the size of a two-year-old, which makes squirming at diaper-changing-time not fun.

These random tidbits of Torstenmation have been brought to you by the letter T and the number 0.  I make no claim that anything in this post has made any sense whatsoever.

Anyhow, Saturday is tentatively looking like a good day for me to work on Torsten-stuff, so I may get more posted then. But don’t hold your breath – Mommy Brain is insidious and might cause me to spend the day snoozing instead

^{[1] Does anyone know where that phrase is from anyway? I see it everywhere and have no conclusive answer. (And if you say “Gran Torino”, you are too young to answer this question.)}

But a few quick things to update to tide my adoring fans over (hahahahahaha):

• Finland is pretty awesome. The language is driving my linguist-brain nuts, because I keep trying to parse it and absolutely cannot (though I know the words for elevator and milk now… go me), but the country is nice. Beautiful trees, and the place we’re currently staying is full of lovely nature.
• Torsten is the best travelling companion ever. I am totally not kidding. More later.
• You don’t even notice jetlag when you’ve been experiencing Mommy-lag for months. You just pass out earlier than usual.

Wish I could say more, but I have to head out with Papa and baby for a day of exploration. More as soon as I get some access!

So, dear readers… what have YOU been up to?

Day five in the “Papa is out-of-town” marathon, and let me just say that Mama is glad tomorrow is the last full day of it, because… cripes (N.B.: I can’t believe that just came out of my mouth. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone use that interjection since the early 70′s…). I am just about used up.

But there are some benefits to being T’s mommy 24/7 right now, not least of which is that he’s decided to do all sorts of new stuff this week. Like really play games with me. And reach out to get stuff he wants from Mama. And get really mad when Mama does not give him what she has, and reach out for it on the table (hey, that’s attention span, and it’s all good!). And help Mama play peek-a-boo by pulling the blanket off of her head. And talk on the phone (he left Papa a voicemail today, mostly consisting of “mmmmboo”). And do a full push-up on his tummy all the time (now all he needs to do is get that little butt up in the air and we’ll have a crawler!). And pick up food and stick it in his mouth. And, well, we’ll count this as something new because I think it’s funny – he’s figured out how to drink from his squeezy toys in the bath, which is kind of funny, even if it’s not very hygienic. And rolling round blocks back and forth to Mama in the high chair, because, hey, Mama can play too.

Oh, yeah, and grabbing crap off of anything with lightning speed. I shall attempt to post a picture of this tomorrow. He’s clearly reached the “watch him like a hawk” stage…

There’s some other stuff too, but I’m too tired to catalogue it.

Unfortunately, this has also been the week for a new level of grumpiness. I suspect some of it is exhaustion (I know it is on my part) and my perception (see the first part of the sentence), but he’s developing a really heart-wrenching cry when he decides he’s grumpy, and it’s wearing me down I’m sure I’ll see it differently once I have enough time to, you know, use the bathroom without someone wanting to be held.

I know who he got the grumpiness from, of course, and I’ll give you a hint: the responsible party does not have a beard and still happens to share half of his genes. I know that’s an incredible mystery and all, but you can handle it.

Off to hang up laundry so we don’t have to go naked to our class tomorrow, and then… then I will pass out.

PASS.

OUT.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Now, we generally don’t stay home all day, but the worst part of the day in this house is actually early evening, because the back of our house faces due west, and the afternoon/early evening sun heats up those bricks like nobody’s business, making the actual inside walls hot (there’s no insulation in this house – the outside walls ARE the inside walls, which is one of the many reasons we’d never buy this ancient but cute house…) and driving the temperature in the bedroom we currently share with Torsten up into the upper 80′s/low 90′s until well into the evening on days when the outside temperature hasn’t even gone above 85 or so.

Sucktacular is what it is. Hot babies don’t like to go to sleep, so Mama and baby hop under the shower at what I always hope is a time close enough to bedtime, but always turns out to be too early. Last night I almost got it right, in that he slept through until about 1 am before wanting a bottle and coming into bed with Mama because frankly, I didn’t have the energy to get him back to sleep in his crib, but he’s still going to bed long past his normal bedtime and taking a lot longer to get to sleep – and then there’s the whole tummy-rolling thing on top of it (which bugs him, not me, but if Torsten’s not sleeping because he’s upset, then neither am I…).

I think tonight I’m going to set up a place for him to sleep in my study in the basement and we’ll see if that helps him sleep until I go to bed upstairs. And when the big evil German gets back, we’ll put the air conditioner in down there so that T and I have a refuge during the afternoons – there are only so many air conditioned places we can take field trips to during the day, and even doing that means going outside into the heat and waiting for busses, so it’s not ideal. I did find a baby activity class that is 1) nearby, 2) on the closest bus route to our house, and 3) has late-afternoon open gym time for us to go enjoy the air conditioning with other kids, so we’re going to start doing that this week, but I find the heat even more draining now then when I was pregnant, and I think the little guy would agree with me.

So anyway… not much sleep going on around here, and my sanity is on vacation for the week, so don’t expect much except drivel and blather from this front.

Especially regarding sleep.

You see, there’s not much sleep that goes on the first month or so, and then gradually, you (and your partner, if you’re lucky) work out ways to get some sleep as the baby gradually starts to sleep more.

Ah yes… the baby starts to sleep more, lulling you into a false sense of security, and you think… whew, thank God we made it through those first few months, because seriously, we thought we were going to lose it.

But what no one tells you is that you’re going to go through that first sleepless period again and again and again.

Like when your baby has finally learned to roll over from back to tummy, and starts doing it in his sleep, stranding himself like a reverse turtle and waking up to fuss. Or when he learns a new consonant sound and just has to make it at 4:30 am, because 4:30 is a great time for “mmmboo… mmmboo… mmmboo…” (although, to be fair, the neighbors thought 3:30 am was a great time for the bongo drums just before this happened, so I can probably blame them for last night, at least).

Ah, yes, we’re reliving the good old sleepless days again, because our Mr. T here has a little body that needs to work on some developmental stuff, even when he’s sleeping, and his little brain can’t sleep through it.

And it is now that we find out, through the wonderful power of the Internets, that we have a couple of weeks of this return-to-sleeplessness ahead of us while he practices rolling over and getting off of his tummy (or falling asleep on it), and that we’d better just get used to it.

So we’re tired. Really freaking tired.

But the best part is this… I then stumbled on this little gem which says that not only do we get to start all over with the sleeping now, but we’ll get to do it again when he sits up on his own, and when he stands up on his own, and, well, all of the big developmental milestones during the next several months.

I mean, it’s great that he can now move himself around a small portion of the room by squirming and rolling, but couldn’t that wait for, you know, that day star thingie to be visible? Please?

(On second thought, since we’ll be in Scandinavia next month, I probably should take that back – the number of hours without the sun being visible will be considerably less…)

Sure, parents for whom this is old hat will tell you after the baby is born that you’ll sleep again when your kid is 25, but they don’t tell you what they mean.

Aaaaaargggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

(N.B.: If I weren’t sleep deprived, I’d be writing a post about how cool it is that Torsten is on the verge of being mobile and is making consonant sounds other than /g/ and /ŋ/…)

Bah!

So I have a listening lesson tomorrow, and I still have a grammar lesson on the passive to teach Friday. And I am so ready to be done. And if not enough students show on Friday, I’d have to do it the next week with the new CELTA students, which would really suck, but it doesn’t look like that will have to happen.

Still, I hope I get to do this early enough on Friday that I can join the CELTA peeps for beer, because we all so need one!

On the flip side, though, I got a wonderful email today from my cousin, and she really made my day. I’m just too tired to answer it now, but I will soon

And now… zzzzzzz…

And since then, well, let’s just say I haven’t done a whole lot of blogging, and when I have, it’s either rants about politics (which no one wants to read), or my monthly letter to the baby, and there’s not much in-between! And so, to mitigate the lameness of my mommy non-blogging of late, I decided I’d post a little update on how my induction into mommyhood is going, and what’s up with Torsten and the German Family Grothoff (which would not be dumb enough to get shipwrecked), since even though Mr. T’s 4-month anniversary is coming up soon (hrm… is it still called an anniversary when it’s a monthly thing? anniversary comes from annus, meaning year, so that’s lame…), who knows when I’ll get that written?

So…

The in-laws are here and have been for the past three weeks. Yes, yes, I know many of you predict the End Times when hearing the mention of in-laws and multiple weeks occurs (and indeed, I would have at one point too), but it’s actually been a very pleasant visit. Torsten loves his grandparents, and they’ve been having a fantastic time. Also, his grandparents have been so kind as to take the little guy for hours at a time so that Mama and Papa can sleep/leave the house/actually shower, so it’s been good to have them here. This house is a little small to have so many people comfortably on top of each other (and I am notoriously grumpy about invasions of my space), but they’re staying in a hotel, and are very happy to spend time with their grandson, so it’s all good.

Well, except that they have the plague. Or something equally yucky. Torsten’s Opa got it first, and kept his distance from the little guy. It seemed like no one else was going to get ill, but now Oma is apparently so ill she can barely make it to the bathroom, and even Papa is starting to feel unwell. This is, as they say, not good. Even though Papa is going to start sleeping in the living room until he gets better, my suspicion is that it’s only a matter of time until the little guy and I come down with it, and given that Papa has a very full week next week, I predict that I will not only be sick, but I’ll be running the show with a sick baby at home as well, which will suck.

Of course, I might be wrong. I really, really, really, really hope I will be. If you have any personal deities you might consider asking to intercede for the little guy and me, I’ll dedicate some stale Peeps in your honor.

Oh, and Happy Easter.

Mommyhood is actually being pretty good to me. With Torsten approaching four months, I’ve been able to return outside and see the day star shining, often with the little boy in tow in the stroller or Baby Björn, and sometimes even by myself. I’m a little depressed about how hard it is to lose weight right now (I’m only nursing part-time because, well, I don’t produce much, but unfortunately, I’m still as hungry as a regular nursing Mom) and how pregnant I still look, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not bothering me much yet.

But the first three months, for me, were sort of like living in a cave. I didn’t get out much, and was too tired to do anything except care for the baby anyway. I always had messy hair, often didn’t get dressed during the day (just didn’t have time), and was walking around in a sleep-impaired daze. Christian was still doing almost all of the housework, and I was just trying to get through the day after not sleeping much at night, since I’m the one with the breasts. It was pretty rough, really. Plus the weather sucked, so going outside with the baby wasn’t much of an option, especially since we’re carless.

But now, now Torsten wakes twice a night (three times if we’re unlucky), so there’s at least the option of a lot more sleep (I can’t bring myself to fall asleep with him at 7:30, but I know I should…), and he’s much more portable. Also, I’m much less afraid that something I’ll do will break him, which makes things easier. He seems to like getting out of the house with me, and is napping more often during the day. I seem to be able to find time to actually put pants on, have a cup of coffee, and even pick up around the house or toss laundry in, often with Torsten playing next to me in his high chair and us having a little conversation, or with him strapped onto my front observing and directing (during housework – obviously not with the coffee or the near-daily ritual donning of the pants). So things are looking up.

And I love being Torsten’s Mama. Torsten himself is just a bundle of smiley cuddliness, and he changes so much from day to day that it’s hard to keep up. He’s been losing his hair, but already it’s growing back. He gets longer and longer each day, and Christian and I both noticed one day that his hands had gotten bigger overnight. His big blue eyes are simply gorgeous, and if you follow them, you can tell how engaged he is with the world. He “talks” to us all the time, and squeals excitedly, and smiles smiles smiles. He’s intensely curious about people and the world – I took him to the cathedral the other day and he loved looking at the stained glass and the shapes of the arches – and he’s a great deal of fun to play little games with. He’s controlling his head and limbs a lot more, and grabs toys on purpose to chew on. He’s also figured out how to do some things with intent rather than by accident, and he’s just generally a beautiful, joyful child. I feel incredibly lucky to be his.

I’d feel luckier with more sleep, mind you, but eh… it’ll do.

People aren’t kidding when they say becoming a parent changes everything, or that you’ll love your child more than you ever knew you could love anything. Those things sounds obvious and a little trite, but the reality is about as mind-blowing as things get. And when people tell you you’ll be exhausted and stressed, you’ll think later that they were understating things, but that’s only because there’s no way to express the depth of those things either in a way that communicates the reality of the situation. And one thing no one ever said to me, anyway, is that it takes a little while to settle into the person you become when you become Mommy or Daddy, and that stranger still, you’re both the person you were before and someone you completely weren’t. I just now feel like I’m starting to settle into that person and a little less like a person lost in the chaos of joy and exhaustion and worry and surprise our now-pretty-big little bundle brought with him into the world.

I have my better days and my worse ones, like everyone else. On the days I feel like an incompetent parent, it’s pretty hard. Even being a realist, it’s hard not to want to always know how to do the right thing for your child. And God forbid someone start talking about developmental milestones, because you’ll start panicking that the baby isn’t doing something a month before they’re supposed to be able to (or, as happened to me, a been-there-done-that friend made an off-hand remark about development and I took it to mean that she thought Torsten was somehow behind – she didn’t, of course). On the days things are all going well, it’s hard to imagine that there was ever a time when I wasn’t this child’s parent. It is the best, most gratifying thing I’ve ever experienced, especially when I see his joy at discovering something or just his happiness to see Papa or Mama in the morning. He’s four months old, and he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

On all of those days, bad or good (even the most desperate ones), there’s not a moment I wish we hadn’t had him. I can’t imagine life without him (though I can imagine life with a few extra hours of sleep ).

Anyway, it’s late and I’m starting to blather, so I’ll shut up now, but things are still rolling along here in Mommyland. Mama herself needs to get some sleep, since we’re taking Torsten to get some pictures taken tomorrow morning and she still has to do some laundry and stuff, hopefully before Torsten wakes for his first night feeding…

There is nothing more sad and awful than a tiny baby with a cold, I’m absolutely convinced of it – he’s not old enough to really be able to breathe through his mouth unless he’s crying, so we spend a lot of time with the saline drops and the suction bulb, which he’s smart enough to see coming and scream at before they get anywhere near his poor little nose.

3 weeks of congested nights and counting – poor little Torsten!

Fortunately, it doesn’t seem to bug him during the day, and he’s basically in a great mood all day, so I’m not complaining much. He gets some shots which are supposed to make him feel bad next week, though, so what do you bet the congestion goes away just in time for immunizations?

Poor Small Monster…