The first sensible thing I’ve seen on dating in a long time…

Ok, so let me be the first to say that I am not an Oprah fan. Sure, I admire what she’s managed to build and what she’s been able to do, and I don’t actually dislike her, but I’m just really not a big fan of Oprah and the Oprah empire (Dr. Phil, etc). I am one of those people who rolled my eyes and said, “Oh Gawwwwd no…” when O, the Oprah Magazine came out, because, well, what kind of ego does that take? (The kind of ego that can build a multi-million (billion?) dollar empire is what, so as I said, I give the woman props, I just don’t buy into the Oprah scene… so sue me. I’m sure I’d like her if I knew her, but I don’t much like her show, ok?)

Anyhow. I’ve been really annoyed of late by CNN.com’s use of Oprah articles as “news” on their front page. I usually don’t like the articles either, but I’m more annoyed by the fact that Oprah articles, Entertainment Weekly stuff, and Lindsey Lohan are considered “hard news” which goes right up there with government corruption and people getting killed in the Middle East than I am by the content itself.

That said, I still occasionally read them, because I’m as much a victim of the content-surfing culture as anyone else. And today, I saw something which I actually thought was pretty awesome. Not news, but as essays go, something that was right down my alley.

The title was – and you’re not going to believe this from me – How (not) to get a man. Go ahead and laugh – even before I started dating my husband, I wasn’t exactly focused on “getting a man”, and that’s sort of the point.

The main gist of the article is that all of the game-playing, scheming, and “settling for less” our culture encourages in order to snag a partner is a pretty stupid way to find a date (what the article refers to as the “predator model of dating”). Now, folks who call me “lard ass” might say that I should shut up, because people like me don’t have much of a choice, but I beg to differ. Fervently.

What the article encourages, frankly, is to be yourself, worry about who you want to become, and everything falls into place. Or it doesn’t. But since you’re depending on you to figure out who you are and how your life’s journey is going to go, you’re probably going to be a lot happier being alone with a you that you know and appreciate than together in bed with some guy who was “better than being alone.”

My favorite bit, though, is this:

I suggest that you should be pickier, less accepting and more committed to the “bad attitude” that will make you seek people who are extraordinary in the same way you are.

That may sound like bad advice to you, but let me put it to you this way – I am much happier with my wonderful, eccentric, one-of-a-kind husband who I met when I decided I, quite frankly, didn’t really care much about dating anymore. I was much happier deciding I was much more interested in doing things I enjoyed and things which enriched my life than I ever was – even for a matter of minutes – with any of the so-called “great catches” I dated in the past. My worst morning in my marriage is, quite seriously, better than my best day with anyone I’d ever dated in the past – or even what I imagined dating the perfect guy would be like. Sure, there are times when we’re stressed, worried, annoyed, and not all that pleased with one another. That happens with any relationship. But in the context of a relationship where we respect each other for who we are, where the kind of jokes we make and stories we tell would perhaps not be understood by anyone but a handful of people outside of our relationship, and where we can work together and love each other even when things get hard, the annoyances cease to matter in the long run. They’re part of life. How often do you think you’re going to get that kind of relationship with that guy/chick you picked up at the bar last night only because you didn’t want to be alone? (I know someone will post an exception here, and all I will say is “good for you” I meant what I said for the rest of us mortals…)

I do know something about what I’m talking about here. I did plenty of what “didn’t work” before I realized it was stupid and was making me desperately unhappy (and unhappily desperate!). “Getting a partner” as a goal rarely works out, though some people certainly do get lucky. Sure, maybe my friends thought it was really odd that that guy I was always complaining about in compilers class ended up being the guy I married, and maybe my husband’s parents were really displeased that my husband didn’t find someone more to their social tastes, but the payoff of being with someone you really grok, and who really gets exactly what you’re about – no amount of desperate dating adds up to what that can add to your life.

And I should add: the payoff of being yourself, of knowing how to make yourself happy – even if you never run into the partner of your dreams – will bring you much more satisfaction in life than just settling for whoever comes along.

Or at least in my world, that’s true. Your mileage, of course, may vary.

N.B.: This doesn’t mean I want a subscription to “O”, so don’t get any ideas, Internets