Week 34: The last childbirth class – yay!

33 weeks, 6 days.

Frighteningly enough, today is our last childbirth class. I have to say, it’s actually been useful, and even though some of the initial class’s activities were sucky, the rest of it has been pretty interesting. The instructor is pretty knowledgeable, and she’s answered a lot of questions I’ve had about this situation we’re in with the baby being so big, so for me, it’s been worth it. (For my husband, who’s always sleepy on Saturdays and has had me practicing contractions on his legs, maybe it hasn’t been so much worth it, but, eh, who knows?)

I am, however, glad it’s over. Next week I go in to do all of the administrative stuff (pre-registration, filling out parts of forms for the birth certificate and Social Security stuff, etc.), and then I don’t really need to be at the hospital again unless something is going on with me or the baby. Given how much time the bus trip seems to take on a Saturday, I’ll be glad for that – still have too much to do at home (although I did get the living room curtains basically finished yesterday – go me!).

Anyhow… outside of that there’s something else I wanted to post that I saw yesterday in one of my pregnancy groups, but I’ll put it behind a cut, so click the link to read more

A lot of the women in my pregnancy group are having trouble with moms or in-laws who basically try to take over their pregnancies, or who refer to their future grandchildren as “my child” (the time my mom did this gave me the absolute creeps, I have to tell you – and when I insisted that our children were not, in fact, hers, she argued with me about it! This was long before I was even pregnant, even, but I’m not going to go on about this or I’ll end up telling the whole story which is far creepier ), or who somehow feel entitled to dictate how the birth will go, even if the parents have decided to do something else. In our house, we decided to head this off early by letting our whole family and a few friends know, very kindly (and it was kindly meant), that we weren’t going to have any out-of-town guests for the birth or the few weeks afterward so we could get settled with the baby, but that they’d be welcome to meet the baby at the baptism a little bit later. Everyone took this in the spirit in which it was intended except for my own parents, which started the whole Drama™ and led to some absolutely ridiculous behavior. Reading what my fellow pregnant ladies are now going through toward the ends of their pregnancies, I can see that it’s much better that I laid down the law 7 months ago than to have waited until now, because a lot of them are absolutely terrified of how they’re going to get their insistent mothers to understand that they want their births to be private between Mom and Dad, or that they don’t want certain things going on in their houses, or that they have other plans than Grandma staying home with the kids, and some of the ensuing battles have been pretty ugly.

(Note: this is not to knock those of you who are parents who have great relationships with your parents, children, or grandkids! This is just an issue where some grandparents have a lot of trouble accepting the boundaries their children set when they become parents, and accuse their children of being selfish when they make decisions about the upbringing of their kids that don’t suit the grandparents’ plans – with me, it was just an extension of the ongoing boundary battle I’ve had with one of my parents since, oh, forever, and I think this is true for a lot of the moms. Anyhow…)

Anyway, one of the moms in the group posted this thing which has been floating around the Internet for a while (I think I saw it on a parents’ rights board once a long time ago, but can’t find it now, so I have no attribution for it unfortunately…), and I sort of wish I’d had it to send my folks when I got pregnant (although, to be honest, it would have made them much angrier than what I did send) – I just thought I’d post it because it’s so true, and for some reason, it’s not self-evident to a lot of people around pregnant folk. If any of you know who actually wrote it, let me know… in any event, here it is, and don’t think this means I’m putting my readers on notice – I’m not! (and note to my already-parent friends who’ve given advice – as far as I’m concerned, this does not mean you… your advice is appreciated!!!!):

Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn’t mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is “Congratulations!” with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an ass.
2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father – not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase “my baby”.
3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in #2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it.
4. The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.
5. Likewise, no women wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is “You look fabulous!”.
6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.
7. There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents.
8. Like everything else is life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to “help out”. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.
9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.
10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

Signed,

Pregnant Women Worldwide!