Week 33: Survived the weekend, and now, onward…

32 weeks, 1 day.

It was one Hell of a weekend.

Christian and I rented a car for a full 3-day weekend (usually we only rent one for a day) to get last minute baby and winter preparations done around the house, and it was busy busy busy.

Friday was a security conference and then my baby shower, which was much fun (and may have involved accidentally directing some guests to a halfway house instead of the party, which is always a fun part of any baby-related event) and a lovely way to see friends before the big arrival. Thanks to Susan, Steve, Lynett, Chris and Kyra for a great time and a lot of useful baby swag and advice! It was awesome

Then Saturday was childbirth class (which I have to admit is useful, although I’m still wondering if I’m going to get to apply any of it or if they’re just going to cut me open like a watermelon…), after which I shopped for most of the baby stuff we need but don’t yet have (and remember, I hate shopping!). I still feel vaguely guilty buying baby stuff because it seems like tempting fate, but seriously, I don’t think I’d feel very good about the kid having to be naked all winter, so shop I did. We also had a nice little dinner at an Asian fusion place near campus with one of Christian’s graduate students, at which I learned that “bistro” probably comes from a Russian word (which we got through French) meaning “quick”, which the place was, in fact, not But hey, you learn something new every day…

But wait, there’s more! And it involves shopping! (Boo…)

Sunday I drove Christian and one of his grad students to Boulder for a programming languages conference. After dropping them off, what do you think I did, hmm? I got to shop more at Babies “R” Us (ugh – fortunately, I got in just after they opened, but enough after they opened that all of the sales associates had latched onto other unsuspecting expecting couples so that I could get what I needed and get out), which is between Boulder and Denver (and quite a drive from both home and Boulder, to be honest). But that wasn’t enough shopping fun, so I then went to a baby resale shop in Boulder (where they resell baby clothes, not babies, c’mon…), which was full of clothes that actually cost more than I’ve paid full price for anything Small Monster has now – so that was a waste of time. And finally, I got to hit Target again to get whatever I couldn’t find elsewhere. Because, you know, I hadn’t had quite enough shopping for one weekend. At least I got a lovely dinner with my evil husband at The Boulder Teahouse before we headed home, though. (Food and atmosphere were great, and there was this cute German sitting across the table from me. How awesome is that?)

But for the record, that is way, way more shopping than I can normally put up with.

As if that weren’t enough, I got to drive to an OB appointment this morning (note: Small Monster’s doing fine), and then hit Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club (two places I generally don’t like to shop) to get the last of the last of the last of the things we needed, although none of these were for the baby (some rugs for our living room hardwood floors, some toiletries, etc).

I am done shopping.

Done, I tell you.

So that’s one part of what made the weekend so chaotic, and given how much I hate shopping (and driving, for the record), that was really enough for me.

Unfortunately, on top of all of this mayhem, just before the baby shower, I got a handwritten (and sincere, if misguided) letter from a family member that just kept The Drama ™ going and going, and this letter, over the course of the weekend, ended up precipitating the final blow in the estrangement from the family I grew up in – this all started with the announcement of my pregnancy in April and has been rearing its head every few weeks since then, making being pregnant and joyful really hard, and causing no end of visits to my counselor to try to figure out how best to handle things. I had hoped to be able to keep contact with at least one of them once I had decided I had had enough, but the events following the receipt of this letter made it quite clear that this is utterly impossible.

Sometimes in life you have to make decisions that are personally unpleasant but are the best ones you can make for you and your family, and that’s what I’ve done – we have a child coming into the world, and it is our job to look after his best interests. If those interests collide with what is comfortable and desirable for some other people, it is unfortunate, but that cannot be helped. After putting up with attempts to draw me back into to the drama again and again over the course of the last 7 months, even after having made it repeatedly crystal clear that I had no interest in participating, I have to admit that it’s a great, if complicated, relief to be able to finish my pregnancy and start on our journey as parents without the baggage of those who feel the right to constantly violate one’s boundaries, even if the way everything has happened is really very painful. I’ve mentioned this drama obliquely several times over the course of my pregnancy here, and I never really spelled any of it out – some details don’t belong on the Internet – but for those who’ve wondered at my occasional mentions of it (comments about drama and pseudonymous comment posting, among other things), that’s been what’s been going on for the past several months. I kept completely mum about it after some point because I did not want to engage those who were making my life so difficult, but since I really no longer have anything more to lose by being open about it, my level of self-censorship has gone down by several degrees.

So it was a very busy weekend, and perhaps not the most pleasant one because I’ve had to come to terms with some things I really didn’t want to accept about someone I love; on the other hand, I don’t have to tiptoe around anymore, waiting for the next e-mail or letter or phone call or blog comment intended to stir my life up again at a time when we have quite enough stirring up going on! The drama has made it really hard to focus on the fact that I have an incredibly loving husband, unbelievably supportive and fantastic friends (near and far), and a snuggly little Small Monster on the way – all of whom bring untold amounts of love and joy into my life, and all of whom deserve a partner/friend/parent who is present and engaged rather than constantly distracted by this unnecessary anxiety. I sort of feel like (once I get over the sting of this weekend’s events) I’ll be able to give that soon for the first time in a long time.

Anyway, that was a lot more personal than I usually like to get publicly, but it sort of felt good to be open about it.

The weekend is over, and the sun is shining outside. I think I’ll make myself some tea and go enjoy some fresh air.

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