The AOL generation tries to reproduce. I’m afraid. – 4 of 30

I think it can safely be said that the prospect of having children can and should scare the crap out of anyone. Not because it’s a bad thing, but because it’s a huge thing.

But for women, even the trying has its own special scariness, namely, that it’s the first time most of us have paid careful attention to the more… feminine aspects of our bodies (beyond care not to wear white pants once a month) since, oh, ever. All sorts of things happen – the humiliating realization that your hormones have more to do with your moods than you ever want to admit (lest you give ammunition to chauvinists everywhere), knowing when you ovulate (I mean, who knows this unless you need it???), abject fear when something that happens which shouldn’t (like bleeding when you shouldn’t be), and, of course, the realization that you’re pregnant (which I’m not).

All of these things are disturbing, but there is a special sort of disturbance out there which awaits any woman fool enough to venture onto the Internet looking for information about what’s going on with her body, or worse, about the whole process of trying to get pregnant. This disturbance is collectively called… The TTC Boards (**insert terrifying music here**).

Now, I’m not much for excessive use of Internet acronyms, really. I was a hardcore Internet gamer as of about 1992 (long before people got AOL and the Internet was flooded with everybody and his mother (read: dorks)), and we tended to use full sentences with the occasional acronym thrown in here and there (rofl, lol, wtf, brb, etc). Once the Internet became a big commercial entity, though, I guess the art of using full sentences fell into decline, the end result being that any time you end up reading an unfamiliar forum, you can be stuck trying to decipher strange acronyms until the cows come home. But the TTC boards bring this to a new and special art.

What are these mythical TTC boards? The “Trying to Conceive” boards, of course. Now, in this disjointed day and age, it’s nice to have some place to get advice from people who are in the same boat you are. On the other hand, some of the people on these boards have some ideas about reproduction that were clearly passed around on the short bus (like the lady who decided she needed to warm her uterus so it would feel cozy and cuddly to make the baby “stick”), so I’m not too sure about the advice. And their use of acronyms… it’s like someone told them about the Internet and how you could use even fewer letters than with real writing and they just went fooking bananas. So you end up with a bunch of posts like this:

I’m 10 DPO and on CD17 BBs were really sore, so I checked CM – no EWCM, but DH and I BD ‘d anyway – no AF yet, so hoping for a BFP!

They get much worse than that, but I’m trying not to make myself sick. What’s really disgusting, of course, is that I actually understand those posts by now, though I don’t have to like it. On top of that, everybody’s always sending each other sticky baby vibes and sprinkling baby dust on one another. I swear to God, I found a site selling various pregnancy-related items and they were offering free Baby Dust with purchase. What the Hell? Do they freeze-dry babies and grind them as a free gift? I mean, um, WTF?

I realize I’m being a big meanie, but seriously… I feel like I lose I.Q. points every time I read one of these things (which is why I mostly don’t anymore). Now, my guess is that most of the cutesy crowd doesn’t really want me in the forums, but in case they do, here are some suggestions that might make me slightly less ill next time Google steers me into one:

1. Try using full sentences. It doesn’t take that much more time, and it might keep people from thinking you’re stupid.
2. Quit using the cutesy euphemisms! “BBs”? Just say “breasts”, for God’s sake! Say it with me ladies: BREASTS! The Lord is not, I promise you, going to strike you down for using the word breasts – or even boobs – online. Or even offline! It’s amazing what doesn’t get you struck down by the Almighty. The term “BBs” reminds me of Dana Abernathy trying to explain male anatomy in hushed tones in 3rd grade ballet class by using the word “Tallywhacker”. I mean, c’mon guys. We’re grownups here and all.
3. Also, speaking of cutesy, the only thing worse than using the acronym “BD” for sex is what it actually stands for – baby dancing??? I saw some post where someone actually had a flashing little “blinkie” button with the words “Baby Dancing!” all lit up in flashy green. I mean, I’m sorry, but if you’re going to advertise, you might as well have a sign that says “I’m having sex!” – it sounds much more impressive, and it might make your husband feel less cheesy.
4. And on the subject of BD, there’s the issue of DH (dear husband, for the uninitiated). Now, I realize it takes two, and so if you’re going to talk about it, it’s hard not to include him, but seriously… did you ever think about limiting the personal information you give about the other party to this relatively private act? I mean, I’m sure Bob from IT is really interested in the positions DH enjoys and that his Viagra prescription ran out, but… I’m not so sure DH is interested in Bob from IT knowing. Because Bob from IT has a big mouth, and pretty soon, half the department’s snickering in their cubicles and sending DH unsavory “helpful” websites.

(Ok ok, I got carried away there with that last one. Usually it’s not all that bad, but I often find I’m faintly embarrassed on behalf of the partners.)

I could go on and on, but even I am getting bored with this, and mocking people is my favorite thing ever.

Anyway, so this is what happens when the AOL generation tries to reproduce. I’d almost pay money to see them try to teach their future kids to write, and I’d definitely pay to hear the birds and the bees talk (“Well, DD, a DH and DW really love each other, so they chart the DW’s BBT and maybe use a FM or OPK, and at around CD14, the DW O’s (with plenty of EWCM), so the DH and DW BD. Then there’s a TWW – if the DW doesn’t see AF, she can buy a HPT and POAS and will hopefully get a BFP!”)*.

I feel dirty just writing that. I think I’ll go take a shower now.

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*Translation after the cut, to avoid total hypocrisy (click Continue Reading below, or visit the actual blog entry page if you’re reading via a feed))

Translation: “Well, dear daughter, a dear husband and dear wife really love each other, so they chart the dear wife’s basal body temperature and maybe use a fertility monitor or ovulation predictor kit, and at around cycle day 14, the dear wife ovulates (with plenty of eggwhite-quality cervical mucus), so the dear husband and dear wife baby dance. Then there’s a two-week wait – if the dear wife doesn’t see Aunt Flo, she can buy a home pregnancy test and pee on a stick and hopefully will get a big fat positive!”